Neutrality. (4/12)


“A part of me wanted to celebrate, but another wanted to maintain emotional distance. I couldn’t bear the thought of yet another disappointment.” Oil on Canvas, 36 x 48”

And then, two months later, without even trying, I became pregnant again. At this point, I felt neutral. I was already anticipating another miscarriage and had a serious discussion with my husband about getting a vasectomy, as I could not bear the thought of this emotional roller coaster again. I had finally been ready for this chapter of my life to be over and resented that I was being pulled back. Weeks progressed, several healthy ultrasounds later, and I was somehow still pregnant. Caught in a state of emotional limbo, a part of me wanted to celebrate each developmental milestone, but another felt it would make the inevitable disappointment that much more unbearable. As the weeks progressed, I’ve heard some describe it as ‘magical,’ I felt no joy in my pregnancy but instead a guardedness and guilt for my detachment. I did not want to think about it. I did not want to look at the ultrasounds of this tiny human that I just knew would never be a part of my life. Because of my high risk for loss and preterm birth, I was closely monitored. With every appointment closer to my third trimester, I couldn’t believe how far into the pregnancy I’d come.

Written by Alex Bradley

Reading, creative writing, poetry writing, language learning and grappling with literature have been my passions since I was young. Keen interest in cinematography and music feilds. Completed my Ordinary and Advanced levels in languages stream successfully. I have taken part in European Union missions in Sri Lanka. I have also completed my certificate courses in programming. And also a student and working in Tourism and Hotelling. Apart from writing, i am a vocalist and environmentalist.


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